D Mamma's

During relief society today Rich came in and got the diaper bag from me. It could mean one of two things... Sami has a poopy diaper or Brooklyn or Blake is low. Please be a poopy diaper I tell myself!  I gave him the bag and he mentioned Brooklyn was low, and he took care of her.  Soon after, Blake's primary teacher came and got me because Blake was low. He could barely keep his eyes open and he couldn't walk. Seeing your child act lifeless like that is really hard.  I frantically grabbed the diaper bag from Rich and gave him a juice and tested his blood sugar. Waiting 10 minutes for the juice to kick in is nerve racking. The juice starts to do it's job and I breath a sign of relief. I immediately start to think about what I could have done to prevent Brooklyn's and Blake's lows, did Blake get too much insulin for breakfast that morning? Did I make too many changes on Brookyn's pump to help with her recent high blood sugars that caused her to go low today? My kids blood sugars numbers I take very personally, I'm responsible to keep them safe and healthy. My Dr. refers to all her D Moms as  "Mommy Pancreases". My kids pancreases don't work right,  so me and Rich have to take over it's job.  Somedays I feel like I'm failing, and I can't keep my kids blood sugars in range no matter how I hard try. Other days I feel like I have this whole diabetes thing down. I've connected with some other D Moms over the past year, my sister-in-law Amber has been my greatest support, she has a child with type 1 as well. One of my favorite D Mamma's is a lady named Merri, she's a mother of 3 type 1 children and she has a blog about her diabetic life. She always seem to know exactly what I'm feeling as I'm muddling through our diabetic life. Her latest post is a favorite of mine, and I wanted to save it on my blog so i wouldn't forget it.

We are the D Mothers Posted: 13 May 2012 02:00 AM PDT We are called D Moms.  D Mamas.   Even Type 3's. Sometimes we get a bad rap. ~We're too "intense." ~We worry too much. ~We are overbearing. ~We over think. ~We over react. ~We over manage. And I only have one thing to say about all of that... You are probably right. I want to tell you that if you are a parent, you can understand. But that is not true. I want to tell you that if you have diabetes yourself, you can understand. But that is not true either...just as I will never fully understand your diabetic life, you will never fully understand mine. The only way you would understand what goes on in the swelly brain of a D Mama, is if you were a D Mama yourself. We are special.  Chosen for our story, as you were chosen for yours. We are fighters, and we will fight until our last breath to keep our children safe. New technologies like fast acting insulin and insulin pumps provide keys for better management, but they also provide a clear and present danger at all times. We have to be vigilant. We look into the eyes of our children and we love them with a bright tenderness.  We want more than anything for them to live a life free from restrictions, free from prejudice, free from complications, free from emergency rooms and hospitals. We feel a responsibility well beyond any bounds of normalcy.  We do not want to live a life of regrets.  One day we will need to look into the eyes of our adult Type 1 Children and we want more than anything to say... "I did my best." The mothers of Type 1's spend every day racked with guilt.   Every blood sugar number pierces our heart.  We feel responsible for every high and every low. An argument can be made that diabetes is responsible for every one of those numbers, but in our eyes...whether a reasonable notion or not, we feel they are a reflection of our efforts. We may not always admit it to you, or to ourselves...but we take those numbers personally. The A1C isn't called the mommy report card for nothing. We do not sleep.  That is a choice.  We choose to keep a close eye on the numbers while the world takes a break.  We don't take breaks. We know that waking up with a off number can domino to the rest of the day.  We know that pancreases sputter. We know the soccer game from 5 hours earlier can affect the nighttime numbers. (Yet we urge them to play.) We know that Pizza can wreak havoc hours after consumption, and we know that Chinese food for dinner means a sleepless night for us. (Yet we delight in serving them their favorites anyway.) We know that diabetes never sleeps.  That is why we don't either. We know that a 200 can turn into a 52 in 30 minutes flat. We know that on field trip days our children may spike with excitement, or bottom out from activity. We know nothing is for sure. So we check, and constantly ask our children how they are feeling...and we hover...watching every move...looking for changes in our children's faces...changes in their gait...tiny beads of sweat on the back of their necks...we know the signs of lows.  We know our children better than anyone else. We love hard. We try hard. We cry hard. We hug hard. We hope hard. We stress hard. We are hard on ourselves. We are D mamas.    Don't judge us because we fret over the details.  To us...Our Diabetic Life is all about the details. We are 100% responsible for the well being of children we love more than anything on this blessed green earth. No, we will not back off. No, we will not calm down. No, we will not stop making noise. As mothers, we know that our children are special.  Diabetes makes them stronger.  It makes them resilient, responsible, amazing.  It gives them a sense of humor.  It makes them grow up too fast, and let's them spread their wings too slow. We wish we could take away the pain.  We wish it were us. We are warriors. We are D Moms. Hear.   Us.   Roar.